Thursday, December 29, 2016

letter to trinity: 11 years, 5 months

Dear Trinity,

Counting these months is starting to get hard. You're getting older, and I can't count as high I used to. LOL. So I'm going to go by years and months now. Just easier that way.

So even though the title of this letter should say 137 months, it doesn't. :)

Another year gone by. Time flies, and for me at least, it flies no faster then while watching my child growing up, changing in front of me all the time. Time never went at this speed before you were born. In subjective time, that event happened about 5 minutes ago to me. Put more simply: it all goes so fast.

This year has been a difficult one for me. And for you. I brought a new person into our lives at the beginning of the year, a woman I'd been dating for a few months first, before introducing you to her. She was someone I had known before your mother and I got together, all those years ago. And you and I both thought that she was a loving, nurturing, wonderful woman. Because she appeared to be. And so I let her in, in spite of my instincts screaming for me not to.

And this, right now is me apologizing to you in writing. Because you came to love this woman, maybe as much as I did. You looked up to her, started to dress like her, and were excited about a future together with her and her funny, bold little girl. We made plans to buy a home together, to become a family. And when this woman turned out to be nothing like the person she pretended to be, both your and my heart's were broken. What this meant for you was that I introduced you to your first betrayal , your first real heartbreak, and I'm sorry for that.

Maybe something both positive and negative to come out of all of that was that you learned that not everyone is worthy of your trust. Or your love. Harsh lessons for eleven, but they hurt worse at 42, when you ought to have known better a long time ago. And I think that maybe you're better off learning them now, and letting them shape you, instead of learning these things much later, and becoming bitter for it, as I try not to be. The world just isn't the place we'd want it to be. And nor are the people in it always who they pretend to be.

I haven't been myself for a large part of this year. I've finally been dealing with the emotional fallout of a near 20 year failed marriage to your Mom, and the pain of losing another love shortly thereafter, being taken in by someone and treated very poorly for opening my heart to her. You've been a rock for me, sometimes even when you weren't aware of it. If not for your love, and your wonderful, caring spirit, I don't know how I would have made it, to be honest. You are an empathetic, loving person, and I am so proud of the woman I can see you on the verge of becoming.

And it's not all bad. There is lots of good. One of the great things about this year is that you and I have never been closer. We share things all the time and are honest and open with each other. We talk, and laugh, and play. We read together still, and kindled inside of you is a fierce love of reading on your own. You devour books, and love being lost in fictional worlds, as I did when I was your age. And still do.  We finally read the last of the Harry Potter books, and a new one was released just after we'd finished. A script for a play about the same characters, all grown up and with kids, jobs and other adult problems. We read that one too.

We took more trips this year. You went to Great Wolf Lodge for the first time, with your Aunt and cousins, a cousin of mine and her daughter, and others. We had a blast there. We even managed to go on a few water slides. We went to the family reunion, held this summer at Grandpa's place, and this year, you and your cousins stayed there with your Grandpa for a week afterwards. You pretty much spent the whole time playing on the floating mat they have out in front of the dock, and I know you had fun. But when I came to pick you up after, you asked if I could stay the next week that you stay there. And so I will. :)

We have another fun trip to look forward to coming up soon, that I can't wait to be on with you. We're going away to the Caribbean with your Grandpa, Gail, Aunts and cousins. Its going to be an amazing experience, and I am so glad that we were able to make it work.

So what else? Well, your Mom and I managed this year to get you switched over to the french immersion school that you've wanted to move to. You're doing great. Your marks are really good, and you are flourishing there. You love school again, and look forward to going a lot more than you have the last few years. I've spoken with all of your teachers and they reassure me that you are doing as well as any of the other kids that started the 1st year of the 4 year program last school year, so right now, you aren't behind at all. I help with homework where I can, but not speaking french, its tricky. Google Translate is our friend a lot of the time.

And this school has some pretty cool opportunities. You decided to put yourself out there and try a few dramatic things this year. One was through your school. A musical that saw you singing and dancing a bit. And earlier in the year, you'd participated in a production of a gender swapped Robin Hood. You were one of the Merry Maids. :) I thought that you were terrific in both. You still love being in costume, on and off the stage. And though you and I didn't get to Fan Expo this year, you did manage to cosplay as Harley Quinn for Halloween. You and I scoured the internet to get the right pieces for a more appropriate Harley of 11. And I found out how to do your makeup through an online tutorial. A make up artist, I am not. LOL.

You ran in your first 5 km race this year, and it was a fun one. We trained a fair bit, but we didn't train in the Santa Claus costumes that we wore for a fun race in Hamilton, with your Grandpa, Gail, Lisa and the kids. You were under the weather at the time, but you finished it, and I was so proud of you.

We talk about getting a dog more often these days, and I came close to getting us one just this past week. It didn't work out, but I think there might be another four legged furry friend in our home by the time I next write you. I'm not too sure how things will work out with Lulu, who thinks that the entire house is her domain and we're just occasional guests. She is so funny. Whenever one of us is feeling low, or sick, she just knows. Comes and sits right on us and won't get up until we do. Especially you. The few times you've been sick this past year; colds, flu, she's been your guardian and security blanket each time. So we'll see if there's room enough in our home and our hearts (and in particular, Lulu's) for another friend. I love having pets in the house, and one that provides unconditional love every time I walk in the door? Who couldn't go for more of that.

I love you, kiddo. Always will.