Saturday, December 27, 2014

letter to trinity: 111 months

Dear Trinity,
Its been a long time since I've written to you on here. Almost 18 months. And just so that I've gotten this out of the way early, no, I haven't been away on an interstellar space flights of long duration. And no accidents involving time travel. Although of course either of those things would be excellent excuses. Excuses, but not reasons. I stopped writing the monthly letters because I started to find that I was spending more time than I liked making sure to note anything of interest that was going on, instead of living presently in those moments with you. Sort of like being behind the camera instead of just putting it down and enjoying the moments that the camera would be recording. I found that I was too worried about making sure I noted what we were doing together instead of just doing those things together. And then I started wondering who the letters were really for.

I want these to be for you, probably as you get much older, hopefully while I'm still alive. The selfish part of me hopes that you read them, feel melancholy and give the old man a call, maybe even a hug if I'm close enough for one. But the real reason for these letters is that if you happen to read them after I'm gone, then I want you to know in my absence how I feel about you right now as I note these things, and what we did together, and what those things meant to me. But I also don't want to sacrifice the time that we have together to be busy noting what those things were.

What I find I’m doing more often these days is taking pictures and posting slices of our moments together across various social media platforms, all of which are probably largely irrelevant even as I type them. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. I share these moments with the people who matter to us and to you in the hopes that they get to see the wonderful, smart, funny, sensitive little girl that I do. But again, I try not to interrupt too many memories we're making with social media posts.

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote you. We’ve been to one more Brown Family Reunion, missed another, attended the Cirque du Soleil, and been to Fan Expo twice. You and I started reading the Harry Potter series together and are currently on hiatus after finishing the fourth book. Things got real at the end of that one, and even though I did get you the fifth book for xmas a few days ago, we still might hold off a few months more before we start the series up again. I love that you still love to read, and to be read to. I think my narration has gotten pretty good after honing it reading to you all these years, and sharing the love of reading that you now have is one of the things I hold close to my heart. I’ve never understood the people that won’t read fiction. I think it shows a lack of imagination, and of creativity. You have both in abundance.

You like comics, a lot. You love superheroes, and know the basic rosters of both Marvel and DC better than most casual comic geeks. You have also come around, in spectacular fashion, to sharing my love for Doctor Who. Now its no longer a question of whether you want to watch the show, but which episodes I think its ok to expose you to, so as not to scare you off of it again. If you had your way, you’d watch all of it. Again, imagination and creativity. If you don’t have them, you don’t get it.

You’re also becoming quite the gamer. You and I have played a number of the ‘Lego’ brand video games, working through the Star Wars and Indiana Jones series, as well as recently playing all of the Lego Batman games. On your own, you play a new computer game you found out about through school. Its a role playing game that inserts increasingly complex math questions in order to win battles and advance. Its really a great idea, and a lot of fun. The learning that happens at the same time is accidental.

Speaking of school, you are doing so well there. Your grades are great, above average in everything. More than that though, is that you are genuinely comfortable there. You have made a large number of friends, and don’t hate going to school nearly as much as you did a few years ago. High praise, right?

In life events, there has been some big news. Your Aunt had her first baby, a girl, and she has another one on the way. We moved. Twice. Sort of. But I’ll get to that.

The first move was to be closer to your school, and for your Mother to be closer to work. One of the nice things about that move was that you were old enough to help, and you are never shy about pitching in, which is awesome, especially in a kid your age. So before we moved, you helped stage the house with us to sell it, posed for some beach pictures to make the place look more family friendly, and even helped with the packing once it sold. You picked out the colour you wanted for your new room, and your Aunt and I painted it for you. That was a little over a year ago.

So this other move is more recent. It won’t be fresh at all to you reading about this, but it is now as I type, and I find it a little difficult, I guess because I’m not used to talking about it yet.
Your Mom and I, after a very long period of problems in our marriage, have split up. I’m sure by the time you read this, I’ll have said this to you many times, as I have already said it to you a few times as I write this, but those problems never had anything to do with you. Married people don’t split up because of their kids. They split up for reasons that have to do with the relationship between the two of them. It is as simple (and as complex) as that. So the moving I alluded to earlier was me moving out of the house we fairly recently moved into. You’ve moved as well, after a fashion, as you are with me half of the time.

We lucked out and have a pretty awesome place. Its small, just the right size for the two of us, still close to your school and my work, and its got its own private beach. So, if nothing else, we won’t have to worry about what to do on nice summer days when we don’t have other plans made. And in the winter months, so long as there isn't too much snow on the ice, we can get on our skates, something we've already tried out. When you first saw the place and walked into your room, which is painted an interesting combination of purple and mint green, you instantly fell in love with it,. And here I was all set to repaint the thing. I think its going to be a fun place for us. A healing place, full of peace. And always full of love.  
I am not sure what kind of schedule I’m going to keep in writing these letters from now on, so I'm not going to commit to anything. I'm going to continue to focus on enjoying the time that I have with you when we're together. At the end of the day, what's more important than that? That said, I will check in with you here from time to time as I'm able.

Trinity, I know that I’ve said variations of this in these pages over the years, but I want you to hear it again, and know that I mean it: I want you to know that you are now, and have been since I first met you, the most important person in my life. That will never change. I want you to have happiness, and safety and love in your life. And I want to do my best to make those things happen for you, and hope that you know that I’ve done my best to do the same up to this point.

I love you.

I am always,

Your Dad